Recipe for Love Part 2

This is the second installment of a special guest post by Becky Lucarelli. If you didn't catch her first post, catch up here.

this is Becky and her precious daughter, Bella.

The Recipe for Love Part 2

Becky Lucarelli

In the discussion of what makes for a good relationship, we have to start at the beginning. You have to have an authentic belief in Christ. That being said, the foundation of what a dating relationship looks like can determine the health of your marriage. What following ingredients are in/out of your love-life?

• Any character red flags? Honesty, ethics, how does he or she treat others?

Don’t be afraid of people changing - this happens. You will never find anyone to be the same person when they are 35 as he or she was when they were 20. And praise the Lord for that! What does not change, dear friend is character. If they are a true believer and have been transformed by the gospel, this steady growth and love for Christ will continue to be evident if they are 20, 45, or 89. The character flags are merely a symptom of where the heart is. On the flip side, if a person has these flags, aside from the gospel of Christ changing a heart of stone to a heart of flesh, time will NOT change them.

• Who is leading and pursuing the relationship?

If you want a godly male leader, do you think that is going to change once you say “I do” if you are the one pushing this now? It won’t! Stop asking him out, manipulating break-ups and getting back together, telling him to get a job or being his “mommy”. And if he called you only because you planted your number under his nose, that is still you leading!

• What happens in fights? Is there mutual teachability?

Is one always the victim and manipulating an apology from the other?   If so - run away!

               

• Are there healthy same-sex friendships offering Christian community and accountability? 

Hope so. If not, this will make for great difficulty in marriage.

               

• What are your priorities? Who/what are you living for?

If this person is your No1 go-to and priority, this is idolatry.

               

• What are your callings individually in ministry? 

If your boyfriend or girlfriend is called overseas to missions, are you hampering or rewriting God’s call? God’s will above yours!

• Are there addictions one or both of you are dealing with? (Past and Present)

If so, are you or they honest about them? Is there godly accountability or counseling where needed?

This is not some Holy Spirit inspired list, but questions that would have saved me and some friends a lot of heartbreak in past relationships  if we had objectively heeded these points.

So, is there a recipe for a strong, Biblical, happy (not perfect) marriage? Well, I would say it’s not magical, but like anything, it starts with your heart. A good marriage equals a good foundation founded on a strong, Biblical, growing relationship with the Lord. This means humility, and not being satisfied with the old man - the selfish tendencies that sometimes no one really notices or challenges when they're single. Also, expect to be let down. I know this sounds negative, but be real. Don’t think you are going in with nothing to learn or that your spouse will not have flaws that will disappoint you or even surprise you a little (or a lot in some cases).  Learn to communicate through those things. Pray together as a couple!

Easy, right? Haha! No. I would say I fail miserably every day. Jeremy fails every day. So everyone fails - great, huh? I pray my heart though will always be pursing the Lord, propelled by His love and grace - repenting of sin to God, to Jeremy, and even to our children when applicable. God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble. Humble yourself before the Lord and trust Him with your life, your marriage, your singleness, your significance, your (fill in the blank). You’ve heard “Trust Him” before, but meditate on this. Ask Him to expose areas where you are not trusting Him. I am not Jeremy’s Holy Spirit and he is not mine. We speak truth to each other, but trust the Lord in each other’s lives to refine as well. My job is not to make him a better person and vise versa.

 Give His Spirit reign in your heart by surrendering, repenting and by faith feasting on His truths, walking in obedience by His grace and because of His love. With His help, starve and kill the heart idols or unfair expectations that may be keeping you from surrender. By His grace, pull down the walls that are our self-righteous and pitiful attempts to “protect” ourselves, and have community with other believers. Just like my cooking, Christian community and living life with others can get messy. Relationships get messy. But trust your Father to guide you in ...and out (that’s the hard part sometimes) of relationships according to His will. His “recipe” is not intended to result in perfect, mess-free marriages, or perfect singles, at least not in the way the world defines "perfect." He wants to use the cracks, the missteps until our hearts and lives are conformed to the image of His Son.

We can tear down the masks and boast in our weaknesses because our acknowledgement of our need for Him points others to Christ and brings Him glory. With thanksgiving in my heart, I praise the Lord for His grace lavished on me, propelling me to faith and obedience by His love. Though I am completely in love with my husband of almost 8 years, I know our marriage will continue to have hard times. I know I will continue to disappoint Jeremy. We were never intended to be each other’s “gods” but I know that He who began a good work in me (God) will complete it. As a praying wife and mother, my desire is to bring Him glory and since Christ redeemed me, justified me by His grace, and called me, I am confident and humbled to know that I am destined to bring Him glory according to His Word. Praise Him for His grace in our lives!!

Recipe for Love

The lovely Lucarelli Family in a pic by Cherished Memories

A Note from Maurie: You guys are in for a real treat. Today's guest blogger is the beautiful Becky Lucarelli. If her name sounds familiar, it could be because her husband has written for us before. She is a wife and a mom but most of all, she is a Christ follower. Becky knows God's Word and has some really profound insights to share about allowing Christ to redeem our broken perspectives on love and marriage. Enjoy. And Becky, thank you. You are grace.

Recipe for Love

Becky Lucarelli

I love the Food Network. I love trying new recipes, and while I think I’m a pretty good cook, I know my husband would agree that I am a messy cook. Despite the chaos that seems to be happening when I'm in the kitchen, I am focused, and there is a method to the madness of dirty mixing bowls and flying flour. It’s simple, really - I follow my beautiful friend Giada’s recipe and with very little culinary expertise, SHA-ZAMM! the recipe has given us a dinner I could confidently serve at Kitchen Stadium. It smells good. It looks good, and by the rave reviews from my family, I know it tastes good. Before even before they taste it, I am confident it's a winner, not because I'm cocky, but because I trust the chef’s recipe. You follow a good recipe, you get the result, period!

If only relationships and marriage worked that way. If only you were guaranteed a beautiful result if you followed certain, easy step-by-step instructions. You may agree that many marriages can be compared to a culinary disaster. One time early on in our marriage, I was trying a smoothie recipe for Jeremy’s breakfast. In my rush to go to work and my lack of attention to detail, I accidently mistook cayenne pepper for cinnamon. Similar color, both started with a "c", plus not in your typical spice containers...okay, I was an idiot, but the whole thing is very funny to us now. Sadly though, some of the fights, misunderstandings and problems in relationships/marriages aren't fixed as easily as simply spitting out a bad taste in your mouth (and drinking lots of water).

Becky & Jeremy, shortly before the cayenne smoothie episode

Do we believe strong, biblical, happy marriages are possible in today’s culture? We may give a hesitant “yes”, but deep down I would say the majority of us, if we are honest, are doubtful.

Perhaps you trust the LORD for your salvation, depend on the full Gospel of Christ, His Holy Spirit and Word, and a community of believers for your continued growth and sanctification. You know your identity is in Christ alone, but maybe you have lost hope in the longevity of a Christ-centered, godly marriage. Surely it is not out of God’s reach to equip believers to have good marriages. Perhaps the fear is not so much in God equipping, but rather the fear of trusting yourself or the other person in a day-in, day-out covenant relationship built on love, trust and commitment to God and to each other. Certainly a valid concern, but marriage does not have to be a type of Russian roulette. It doesn’t have to be a “maybe it will work, or maybe it will kill me” toss-up.

While I would applaud anyone cautious in their relationships, engagement and marriage, caution and crippling fear of marriage are extremely different. But first, if you are not at the season of life or age to even consider marriage, I believe you should not be dating one-on-one at all. If you are in this marriageable season of life and in the “I fear marriage and I don’t really want to trust anyone - ever!” camp, I warn you, this does affect dating relationships - and not in a good way. If the only reason for pursuing a dating relationship is not to be lonely, or simply to feel the love without the commitment of marriage in mind down the road, the relationship is doomed to progress in an unhealthy manner. Many times these “fear of commitment couples” play married in every way without actually being married. This seemingly protective measure, beyond leading to sin, actually causes more insecurity and hurt in the end.

Why is this pattern, or some variation of this, becoming more and more common even within the walls of the church?

Even though I am married, please don’t discount me as someone who does not understand the struggle of singles today with the uncertainty of marriage. I get it. I know what it means to have consuming doubts. I have parents who had a horrible marriage. My dad, having some good qualities, also constantly lied, did not provide for his family, had some sort of secret life, and was abusive. My mom, at the very least, got the short end of the stick all because my dad chose himself, his sinful addictions and a lifetime of an unrepentant heart over a relationship with God, his marriage, and us kids.

Even if your parents or other relatives or friends you are close to are happy together, sadly, the holocaust of so many failed marriages is all around us. Today, you don’t have to look at the tabloids and Hollywood gossip magazines to know this. It does not matter if you are inside or outside the walls of the church. Marriages fail! I would venture to guess we all know those who are struggling with their marriage. Some are more open or even bitter about their marriages than other, constantly making fun of their spouse or putting down marriage in general and running to fill voids in any number of other friendships or hobbies.

Others aren’t happy, but have found contentment in living their own separate lives, pouring themselves into work or parenthood, ignoring their spouse's needs. Still others we know put on an “everything is just blissful” mask. They try so hard to exude an extremely happy exterior about how wonderful their marriage is. Their Facebook may be peppered with kissing pictures and statuses about just how amazingly in love they are, yet  in most cases, this is a charade and they are barely hanging on to what they had dreamed marriage would bring them.

Beyond the destructive and sad consequences these coping mechanisms have on these couples, the wake of these failing marriages also affects you, and affects your perspective on marriage IF you do not put away the fear filter, the insecurity filter. You must choose instead to filter these scenarios through the lens of God’s Word.

So what is a healthy perspective of marriage? Why should one have hope? Even though there are godly men and women who have fought for their marriages, and, like my mom, endured the death of a marriage covenant -- that had very little to do with her. Can they still live a fulfilled and happy life?

Of course! Marriage is not the end-all dream of “happily ever after”. “Duh!” you say, “you just reminded us of the failures of marriages.” Yes, but the paradox of singles wanting marriage is that while they don’t trust it, it is still treated as THE start of one’s life. And if this crumbles then the attitude is,“so goes my life, so goes my identity, so goes any joy!”

Our joy and our identity is not in marriage or relationships. It HAS to be in Christ. If you put your identity in a college degree or GPA/how brilliant you are, in your boyfriend or girlfriend or marriage, in being beautiful or being a certain dress size or your profession or anything other than the Lord, beyond being sin to have any “gods” before Him, you will be sadly disappointed at best, and completely depressed at worst.

“Marriage” you see, is not the “bad guy”. The problem in any marriage lies with two sinful, selfish people living together for any number of years... that certainly sounds like a recipe for disaster, doesn’t it? I’d say quit blaming “marriage” and look at the sinners -- (that would be all of us!).

Now, I do agree, marriage is wonderful, hard, fun, a blessing, and down right infuriating some times. One of my pastors once said something to the effect of “marriage is the fast lane on the highway of sanctification”.  From those reading this who are married, can I get an “amen”!? You see, it’s like putting a magnifying glass on your weaknesses because all of a sudden, your selfishness, your immaturity, your flaws have multiple opportunities to arise. It’s how you and your spouse handle this and where your hearts are that will determine how all this ends up.

Does your heart align with the Lord’s?
How has the Gospel changed you?
How has it changed your view of God? Your goals, purpose, identity? 
How is His truth continuing to change you in the present?

These are Jeremy & Becky's beautiful babies, Joey & Bella.

If you can’t answer these questions and if there has never been a life change, what are you basing your salvation on? Salvation is not found in an emotional prayer because you were scared of hell one night at youth camp that ended there. Work out your salvation, dear friend. Seek His face in His Word. Ask His Spirit to teach and grow you in faith and truth...NOT for the purpose of being marriage material but for the purpose of knowing and serving your Creator and Sovereign Lord and with that, walking in freedom.

Tune in tomorrow for part 2 of Becky's post...it has some incredible guidelines for establishing a solid foundation upon which to build a godly relationship. You won't want to miss it.

A Resurrected Heart

all these pics were taken in a rose garden in north Dallas

A couple of months ago, I found myself sitting in Bible study and listening to a friend share a prayer request for an almost-married couple. She was concerned about their relationship, worried that they were making a mistake and finished her request by saying, "I don't know a single couple who has a good marriage." I was shocked, but as I looked around the table, I saw heads nodding in agreement. The general consensus of the group was that a good marriage is hard to find, even within the walls of the church.

The next night, I found myself sitting and listening to another prayer request. This one shared through tears about vows broken, trust broken, hearts broken. It was devastating to witness such pain and to hear almost the same sentiment as the previous night's: "I don't know if I believe in marriage. All I've seen is people who say they love each other end up trying to destroy each other."

My mouth went dry and my eyes stung and my heart burned as I tried to find some words with which to respond. What can give hope to a broken heart? All I could muster was, "This is not God's plan. This is not how it should be." I was angry - angry that this precious one had to endure the heartache, angry at those involved in causing the heartache and angry at Satan for his work undermining what God meant to be good.

But in my heart, deep down, I wondered, "Is marriage good, really? Do I have a Biblical perspective on this myself?" I have to admit that I've discovered some real cynicism within myself. I don't always esteem marriage as highly as it should be; I don't always see it as something to be desired. Why is that the case? And why is it that I am not alone?

If Satan has come to "steal, kill and destroy" then nowhere is that agenda more obvious than the family. What God created to be a union ("For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh." Gen. 2:24) has been divided and divisive. Why is this? In our post-Eden world, nothing remains intact, unscathed. All relationships are affected by sin's curse. In fact, I can stop and count right now over ten people I know (all around my age) who have been married and divorced (and several of them already remarried). While that may not seem strange, consider this: I know all of them through church or Bible studies. These individuals are professing Christians, actively involved in local churches.

Could it be that the reason so many Christ-following men and women have grown fearful and cold-hearted to the call of marriage and families is that they have not seen these things lived out within the community of faith? When those who claim to have the antidote still suffer from the sickness, people lose hope.

   This is not God's plan. This is not how it should be.

It's true that we face a huge problem. But to believe that all is lost and marriage is pointless and God's design is flawed is to forget the rest of John 10:10, that Jesus came that we might have life, "and have it abundantly." He came to redeem us from sin's curse. He came to defeat Satan. He came to restore the broken. And could it be that His resurrection power extends all the way down to a broken heart? Stay tuned...

You can reach me at maurie@onesinglevoice.com

My Life on Instagram

I have been under the weather this week. Sinus infection/allergies/cold, I don't know exactly what. But, I don't go to doctors...it's a policy of mine. I have taken lots of naps this week and eaten more cough drops than should be legal. The pic above is my sick hair/ normal hair comparison...and well, that's a problem.

I'm addicted. 

Found this in our mailbox. It was a baby announcement that was heavily damaged and included this explanation from Mail Handler Anthony...does the postal service do mental health screenings? 

Late night crafting.

I love Target. Found these. Intrigued by these. Bought these. Eating these. Still have no clue what "rainbow candy" is, but I like it.

If you want to see more of my life on Instagram, follow me: MaurieB.

Happy weekend!

Thirsty

She headed to the well that day, just like she always did. Had to fill her waterpot with enough liquid life to make it through another day. The problem was that it never lasted, never filled her permanently. This much was certain: she'd have to make the hot, dusty journey down to the well again...and again...and again.

The fact that she came alone was no accident. She was a woman with a laundry list of failures, most of which were tied to men and no one keeps better track of such lists than jealous, worried women. Everyone knew who she was and who she was with - the town joke was how many more men she would go through before finding one to stay. Married five times with zero success, she had finally abandoned the institution itself and settled into something more casual, at least that's what she told herself. The problem was that it never lasted, never filled her permanently. This much was certain: she'd have to keep trying to fill that hole in her heart with another...and another...and another.

This ordinary day and this ordinary errand were divinely disrupted by the Man she met sitting at the well. He asked for a drink. She couldn't believe that He even acknowledged her; He was Jewish, it was plain to see and she was, well, not. In fact, she was Samaritan, part of the melting pot of foreigners brought in to occupy Samaria after Assyria conquered Israel. Besides that, He was a man; she the least of women. It was a strange shock to be addressed with such courtesy in public. And if His civility caught her off guard, she surely could not have been prepared for what happened next:

Jesus answered and said to her, "If you knew the gift of God and who it is who says to you, 'Give Me a drink,' you would have asked Him, and He would have given you living water."She said to Him, "Sir, You have nothing to draw with and the well is deep; where then do You get that living water? You are not greater than our father Jacob, are You, who gave us the well, and drank of it himself and his sons and his cattle?" Jesus answered and said to her, "Everyone who drinks of this water will thirst again; but whoever drinks of the water that I give him shall never thirst; but the water I will give him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life."

Audacious claims to be sure, but she was intrigued. He had promised her water that would last, something that would fill her permanently. She didn't understand, but she didn't have to. She knew that that was what she had been looking for.

"Sir, give me this water, so I will not be thirsty nor come all the way here to draw."

It was then that the conversation changed. The Man sitting at the well heard her urgent need (water to drink) but knew that that was not her deepest need. She didn't realize the desperation of her thirst until He said...

"Go, call your husband and come here."
She chose her words carefully, swallowing down the ache and embarrassment.
"I have no husband."
Jesus said to her, "You have correctly said, 'I have no husband'; for you have had five husbands and the one whom you now have is not your husband; this you have said truly."

The hair on the back of her neck stood up. She had heard Him clearly. He had seen her clearly. There was no more pretense, no more carefully constructed facades. She had been outed as a woman who was so thirsty that she would try not once or twice or even three times, but five times to fill the void with a man. A woman determined to find a source of life and love that would not run dry. She began to realize that this Man's talk of wells and water was not literal; it was something more.

The one who drinks of the water I give him shall never thirst again...
The water I give him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life...

Wait a minute, could this be? Was this Man claiming to be able to satisfy her deepest need, the thirst that was the root of every lesser thirst? Could she be allowed to drink it?

"I know that Messiah is coming (He who is called the Christ); when that One comes, He will declare all things to us."
Jesus said to her, "I who speak to you am He."

And with those words, she turned and ran...not to escape Him but to bring others to Him. Priorities were instantly re-aligned as evidenced by an abandoned waterpot. It seemed so silly now, to worry about a few gallons when the Living Water was in her midst.

She had gone to the well that day needing something greater than water. And she found Him there, waiting. 

This account made me wonder, "Was is that I am convinced will satisfy me?" Is it a new job, more money, a relationship, power, status, love? Am I looking for a temporary solution to my permanent problem? Am I drawing from a shallow well to meet my deepest need? What else, who else can satisfy me so that I will never thirst again? And do I have the courage and the faith to leave my waterpot behind?

No Jesus and _________. No Plan B. No extra water bottle or hidden supply just in case Jesus doesn't work out. Leave the waterpot and run to Him.

"Is anyone thirsty? Come and drink - even if you have no money! Come, take your choice of wine or milk -  it's all free! Why spend your money on food that does not give you strength? Why pay for food that does you no good? Listen to me, and you will eat what is good. You will enjoy the finest food." - Isaiah 55:1-2

Back!

Well. Life got a little crazy there. My laptop battery died. My cousin graduated from college in Dallas. There was a Ugandan bead party, Mother's Day,a lingerie shower and two sibling birthdays. And I hate to brag but I had brunch at the American Doll store (truly magical). That's a lot of stuff. But I have a new laptop battery and a lot to say and share. So, get ready. While I work on those posts, you just enjoy these snapshots:

Hannah, the graduate

Addie in a rose garden...bliss.

Allie in the aforementioned rose garden...more bliss.

Addy & Samantha at brunch

Addie, Addy & Samantha

cousins and sisters

Aunt Lynne with Rhett rocking his new white vest...so hip.

Mother's Day reflections

Because I feel like I have been behind, today I was an overachiever. I wrote 20+ emails, booked 2 flights, bought dishes from Anthro and submitted a trans-Atlantic jewelry and fabric order. I'm a woman on a mission...can't wait to catch up with you all! I would love to hear from you - reach me at Maurie@onesinglevoice.com

Running to Your Arms

an art project recently completed and now hung in our house...it is my daily exhortation.

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.
That's how my heart feels, but I am choosing to live differently.


There are some areas of my life that I can't dwell on; I really can't even think about them because they paralyze me with anger, bitterness, hurt and fear. God has called me to obey Him in spite of what can seem unjust and unreasonable and foolish. I have chosen to believe God is bigger than my circumstances and so I cannot allow myself to go there...but yesterday I was taken there by someone who didn't realize the impact of what they were doing. 


This morning, I had to remind myself of the promises of God and the goodness of His character and His all-seeing, all-knowing nature. I had to worship Him. I had to praise Him until I found freedom from the chains of my spirit. 


In the midst of all my angst this morning, the Holy Spirit reminded me of what I have been teaching on Sundays - the book of James. And He began to repeat to me the very words I have been saying to them:

Count it all joy, Maurie, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. But if you lack wisdom, Maurie, ask God, who gives to you generously and without reproach, and it will be given to you...blessed are you if you persevere under trial; for once you have been approved, Maurie, you will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him. - James 1:2-5, 12

And so, I have a choice placed in front of me. Who will I believe? Is His Word enough? Are His promises true? Can I trust Him?

Today, I pray that my life answers "yes".